Movies of 2014

I know I don't use this as much as I should.  Considering my dream is being a writer, you would think I would practice more, no?  I'm not going to say "THIS is the year that I start taking this seriously!" because it probably won't happen.

But what I will say is that I will do this when I get time and have the motivation to do so, which is, admittedly less often than I like.

So after this, I'll go back to playing catchup (jeez, I'm still only like halfway through 2013!  I may need to watch some of these again...and don't even get me started on the Buffy recaps.  I think I might start those from scratch.  But I digress...) but for now, here's my list of movies that I saw in 2014 and some brief thoughts about them!


=====Rating Scale======
*- Awful.  Just awful, but sometimes so awful that it's funny.  So there's that.
*1/2- The worst kind of movie.  That extra half star usually means they tried, so it's extra sad.
**- This is probably a movie you'll forget about right after you watch it.
**1/2- This is average.  Maybe you don't regret watching it.
***- A good movie, usually just mindless entertainment.
***1/2- Very good movie, this is usually where they become worth owning.
****- Great movie!  These are usually worth watching many times over.
****1/2- Better than great but less than perfect.  Not a lot of these, actually.
*****- This either connects to you emotionally or is just intensely entertaining to warrant infinite viewings.
===================


1.  Once Bitten (1985) ***1/2
A surprisingly fun early Jim Carrey film poking fun at the 80s vampire teen flicks like The Lost Boys and Fright Night.  Well, maybe not, since Lost Boys came out after, but whatevs, still a funny movie.

2.  The Lone Ranger (2013) **
Very similar to a Pirates of the Caribbean sequel: long, bloated and kind of boring.  The ending sequence was pretty satisfying but there's a solid 45 minutes to an hour that could have been completely cut out.

3.  Cry-Baby (1990) ***
Another surprisingly funny one, this time in the form of a send-up of 50s culture.  Satirizes the silliness of Grease and just all around cheesiness of the decade.  While a few of the side characters overact too much, Depp gives a hilariously straight performance. 

4.  The Watch (2012) ***1/2
Wasn't really expecting much out of this one, and there's really nothing exceptional about it to be honest.  It's just a comedy with some sci-fi stuff thrown in ala Edgar Wright's work.  But Ben Stiller still plays a great straight man and this is one of Vince Vaughn's best roles to date.  No, really. 

5.  We're the Millers (2013) **
Predictable comedy formula with lots of groans and few (if any) laughs.  Eh, Jason Sudeikis is alright I guess.

6.  Paranormal Activity 4 (2012) **1/2
Nowhere near as bad as everyone says it is, but they've taken the found footage thing about as far as it can really go.  The acting is really solid for a horror movie and the two lead kids are likable, but the whole thing is riddled with plot holes and jump scares.  Eh, the schtick is kinda getting old.

7.  Extract (2009) ***1/2
Definitely not as good as Office Space, but Judge's comedy features a lot of great actors in the same irreverent vein as his magnum opus.  Very unfocused but it works due to solid performances and Jason Bateman who is always a good leading man.

8.  The Starving Games (2013) *1/2
It's no Epic Movie, but hey, what is?

9.  Spirited Away (2001) ****
Not as powerful or enjoyable as Howl's Moving Castle, but still littered with the same remarkably subtle and expressive tones that made that movie great.  Original and well-designed characters and small nuances in the animation and story outweigh the film's confusing nature, making for a solid feel-good watch. 

10.  The Host (2013) *
It's painfully obvious that whoever wrote this screenplay had no idea what a three-act structure is, as this is a bizarrely terrible, meandering mess.  Or maybe the book just sucks, I dunno.

11.  Silver Linings Playbook (2012) ****
An incredibly well-made character study about bipolar disorder with truly great, layered performances by Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence.

12.  TiMER (2009) ***1/2
A surprisingly poignent look at doomed relationships and fate with an interesting high concept and great performances all around.

13.  Carrie (2013) **1/2
An unnecessary, albeit well-made remake.  Chloe Grace Moretz is mesmerizing as the titular Carrie, and the climax pays homage to the original while bringing something new, but the film is overly CGI'd and mostly feels like it's treading too much of the same ground as the original.

14.  ATM (2012) *
Boring thriller setup with no payoff.  Or anything interesting going on.  Actually nothing going on, period.  Sorry Josh Peck, better luck next time.

15.  Frozen (2013) **
Has a couple of decent ideas, but most of the songs are stunningly awful and the animation looks like Hoodwinked 7.

16.  Thor: The Dark World (2013) ***
Slightly above average Marvel movie.  The psuedoscience aspect is pretty bleh, as are the villains, but more Loki is always a good thing.

17.  Ender's Game (2013) **1/2
Eh, it's okay.  I prefer the much more satirical Starship Troopers (which is basically the same movie) but there's nothing really wrong with this, just nothing really right either.

18.  Penelope (2006) ***
Heavily stylized kids' movie that's actually much better than it should be, though a lot of that is because of the solid cast, including the always awesome Peter Dinklage.

19.  Mamma Mia! (2008) *1/2
A couple of good standouts in a musical with a disproportionate amount of awful, or in some cases, just flat-out bizarre songs.

20.  Divergent (2014) **1/2
About what I expected.  In the same vein as The Hunger Games, but not as well-made.  A bit too rigid and formulaic of the new "dystopian future" genre.

21.  God's Not Dead (2014) *1/2
Miserable and often hilarious writing depicts atheists as mustache-twirling psychopaths, but it's somewhat saved by one really good performance.  Yes, Hercules himself as the atheist professor actually does a tremendous job with what he has to work with (not much, as he's mostly written with the subtlety of a villain from a 1930s serial).  Disgustingly simple strawman propaganda, but pretty funny if you can get past the revulsion.

22.  The Brothers Grimm (2005) **
A surprisingly dull and uneven entry in the "adult"-ish fairy tale film in the same vein as Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, and Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow.  A couple of innovative moments, but the abundence of bad CGI and goofy OTT performances render what little entertainment there is kind of painful.

23.  You're Next (2011) *1/2
A lame home invasion movie masquerading as a "dark comedy".  There's not much to like here.  I guess it's shot fairly well and some of the music is pretty awesome and evocative of 80s slashers, but you've seen it all before.

24.  The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) **1/2
Leagues better than the first installment, but that's still not saying a lot.  The biggest problem with this film lies in the ridiculously badly written villains.  The human element of Peter and Gwen is actually really good, suprisingly.

25.  Red Riding Hood (2011) *
Helmed by the great director of Twilight, and it shows.  Ridiculous movie with obnoxious overacting, terrible effects, and an asinine mystery; it's pure trash on a non-enjoyable level.

26.  500 Days of Summer (2009) ****
A great little indie romance film complete with Manic Pixie Dream Girl extrodiare Zooey Deschanel.  Great casting in her and the reliably great JGL.  Ultimately a very charming film with an abundance of both "cute" and legit emotion.

27.  Man of Steel (2013) **1/2
Not a bad retelling of Superman, but sometimes feels a bit too "I'm watching a video game"-y.  The cast does a good job, but it's hard to make Superman really interesting, I guess.

28.  Pride and Prejudice (2005) **1/2
The movie itself is fine; the flaws all lie within Jane Austen's "everything is all good in the hood" type of happy-go-lucky storytelling devoid of any major conflict.  It's all just "oh heavens I hope he chooses me" and he does.  The end!

29.  Becoming Jane (2007) **
See above; except this one just kind of felt more like a Pride and Prejudice: Sad Edition.

30.  Godzilla (2014) **1/2
I'm still not sure what to think of this one.  Despite being so misleading from the commercials, it had some good ideas, but it still felt a bit too formulaic and goofy.

31.  Maleficent (2014) **1/2
Kind of an empty retelling of Sleeping Beauty, not that that movie had a lot of depth to begin with.  Nothing really stands out other than some of the effects, which are admittedly pretty good.  At least it was really short.

32.  X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) ***1/2
A thoroughly entertaining installment in a franchise that has been less than stellar recently.  This is a huge, HUGE improvement over First Class and uses the ensemble cast to make it one of the more entertaining movies of the year.  Plus, Dinklage with dat stache.

33.  Stardust (2007) **1/2
A fantastically weird movie -- but then again, it begins to make more sense once you find out that the novel in which it's based on was written by Neil Gaiman.  Not a bad film, but just... weird.  Weird, weird, weird.

34.  Pitch Black (2000) **1/2
Acting's a bit stiff, the effects are pretty bad, and the plot is nothing, but hey, it's still kind of a fun movie.  Maybe the sequels will improve on the formula.

35.  Vampire Academy (2014) ***
Surprisingly fun.  It'll definitely scratch your teen vampire itch.  Guilty pleasure for sure, though.

36.  The Chronicles of Riddick (2004) **1/2
Introducing a huge sci-fi world into this franchise seems massively weird and out of place.  Solid second act but the beginning drags a bit.

37.  Riddick (2013) ***
Awful title aside, this is basically just a remake of Pitch Black with a better budget.  It's mindless, but fun.

38.  Her (2013) ****
Well-acted, great setting, interesting premise.  Not as emotionally affecting as you might think, but still a very good movie overall.

39.  The World's End (2013) ****
Though certainly the worst of the Cornetto trilogy, this film still has some surprisingly moving moments, some hilarious dialogue, and some fantastically kinetic action scenes.  Definitely worth a watch despite the polarizing ending.

40.  Sherlock Holmes (2009) ***1/2
A fun, if standard (aside from the interesting steampunk setting) action-mystery that works almost entirely because of the magnificent Robert Downey Jr.

41.  Sherlock Holmes A Game of Shadows (2011) ***1/2
See above.  The sequel takes a couple more risks, but ultimately feels like a very close extension of the first film, which isn't a bad thing at all.

42.  Lucy (2014) **
A concept that's interesting, but flawed at its very premise littered with tepid action scenes, lack of character, and some misplaced good ideas.

43.  Hercules (2014) **
Boooooooring!  If you're going to make a film about Hercules the man and remove all of the interesting mythology, all you're going to have left is an extremely mediocre "period piece" with not much going on.

44.  Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) ****
James Gunn is three for three.  GotG is one of the most fun movie-going experiences of the year thus far.  All the characters are memorable and likable, there are a plethora of hilarious moments and even tons of 80s references.  What's not to like?

45.  Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) ***
Another standard entry in the Marvel superhero series.  Not great, not bad either. Marvel movies are starting to all run together, and this one feels especially forgettable after having seen Guardians.

46.  Noah (2014) **
This is a bad movie with good actors acting badly. The protagonist is completely detestable, the plot is incredibly flimsy and stretched to its absolute limit, and some of the explanations are just... what?  They put all the animals to sleep with magic dust on the ark?  Okay.

47.  The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013) ***1/2
A vast departure from Stiller's previously directed films, but an impressive one all the same.  Even apart from the 'action movie dream sequence gimmick', it's still a fun and uplifting story about a weird guy down on his luck.

49.  The Invention of Lying (2009) ***1/2
This is a great movie that isn't afraid to poke a few holes in religion, or more importantly, the extremely religious. It takes a great fantasy concept like a world full of nothing but truth and twists it to its craziest possible form. Ricky Gervais was born for this role.

50.  The Identical (2014) *1/2
Speaking of religious movies... Man oh man. This one is full of terrible acting, music that more often than not DOESN'T fit the 50's-70s time period somehow, a truly awful script, and a hilariously misplaced Seth Green. Like God's Not Dead, there IS some hilarity to be found, but it's few and far between the boringly awful chunks.

51.  A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014) **1/2
Not as funny or likable as Ted, but an interesting experiment in making Seth McFarlane an actual live-action protagonist for once.  While a lot of the jokes around him fall flat, McFarlane himself does a terrific job and looks the role probably a lot better than he should.

52.  Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) **
Generic Hollywood blockbuster reimagining? Yep. Everything about this screams mediocre, even the most important aspect of these kinds of movies: world design. The world and creatures in this movie are flat, gray, and lifeless, much like the actors in the film itself.  Except for Charlize Theron; she's having a great time.

53.  Total Recall (2012) **1/2
Better remake than I expected, although the original one is certainly no masterpiece.  Still, it lacks just about all of the charm of the Ahnold version while being far less convincing that it "might all be a dream".

54.  Gattaca (1997) ***
An interesting take on near-future discrimination. Does surprisingly well in setting up the whole premise and telling a fairly complex story in such a short amount of time without really sacrificing anything.

55.  Neighbors (2014) ***
The great thing about this movie is you can tell everyone is having a blast.  It's a pretty standard college-y film with a generic portrayal of frat douchebags, but the writing is just funny enough to make you forget most of the time. Seth Rogan is hilarious as always, but the real shocker is Rose Byrne, who give a wonderfully funny performance.

56.  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005) ****
As of this writing, I haven't read anything by Douglas Adams, but the whimsical yet sarcastic nature of this movie makes me want to start.  Everybody's great in their roles, the sci-fi is imaginative and not taken too seriously, and you even get to see Earth blow up - what's not to love?

57.  Hannibal Rising (2007) **1/2
Sometimes villains don't need a crazy backstory.  Whether it's Freddy's Dead, a number of the Friday the 13th movies, or Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, the "explain the villain" entry in the series is almost always the worst.  This is no different, but strangely it doesn't shed that much light on the character of Lecter anyway.  He's still a pretty alien character in most aspects, and this movie doesn't do enough on its own to make it very interesting.

58.  Red Dragon (2002) ***1/2
The only problem I have with Red Dragon is that it's Silence of the Lambs if Silence of the Lambs wasn't quite as good (yeah, I know the Red Dragon book came first).  Having said that, even a lesser Lambs is far better than anything else Brett Ratner has ever done.  Sorry X-Men: The Last Stand, and I'm especially sorry to you, Rush Hour 3.

59.  Hannibal (2001) ***
Another unnecessary movie with more than a few pointless side plots (hello, Italian dirty cop storyline).  Also, Julianne Moore is a fine actress, but why
put the iconic Starling in the movie if you're going to recast her?  That's like remaking Back to the Future with Eric Stoltz as Marty.

60.  Upside Down (2012) **1/2
Incredibly interesting, if flawed, premise with which the film doesn't really do anything.  The rules of the universe, while well-defined, are kind of dumb
and arbitrary, and it's just a bit too much to suspend disbelief.  Kirsten Dunst is cute though.

61.  The Addams Family (1991) ***
I wonder who watched the old series and thought it needed a dark Burtony 90s adaptation.  Well, kudos to whoever thought that, because this movie is actually pretty fun and just macabre enough to qualify as a kids' movie without scaring off the adult demographic.

62.  Clueless (1995) ****
This movie is adorable, I don't care what anyone says.  The most 90s thing of all time, but still, adorbz.  Shout outs to young Paul Rudd!

63.  Minority Report (2002) ****
And thus begins the great Tom Cruise-athon of 2014!  Adapted from a Phillip K. Dick story of the same name, Minority Report walks the careful line of being a cool sci-fi action thriller and something a little bit deeper.  Great comeback for Spielberg after the pooperoni Artificial Intelligence.

64.  The Prince and Me (2004) ***
This is a rom-com that I shouldn't have liked, but I did.

65.  Oculus (2013) **
This is a horror that I shouldn't have liked, and I didn't.  Oculus is interesting enough until the end when it pulls the rug out from under you with the
most bird-flipping ending I've seen in a long time.  I'd compare the ending to Drag Me to Hell, but the tone of this movie is very different, and the ending
seems much more mean-spirited and awful in this one, whereas there was a hint of perverse glee in Drag Me to Hell (classic Raimi).

66.  The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 (2014) ***
Flashbacks to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, where nothing can actually happen but they need to cram all of the build-up into the first
installment of the two-part finale.  For that, it's pretty good.  Annoying to wait another year to see actual things happening, but it's a good build-up.

67.  The Giver (2014) **1/2
Although the book was among the first of the 'Kid Book Full of Dystopian Nightmare Future' series, the movie is obviously a cheap way to cash in on The
Hunger Games, Divergent, The Maze Runner, etc.  It's not bad, and it has some good ideas (though that merit goes to the book, of course, not really the film), but it's presented so... blah.

68.  The Lego Movie (2014) ***
Fun kids movie.  Not much else to say, other than a cool surprise towards the end involving Will Ferrell.

69.  The Maze Runner (2014) **1/2
Re: The Giver.  There's nothing wrong with this movie, but it's outclassed as a film by The Hunger Games in just about every conceivable way.

70.  Edge of Tomorrow (2014) ****
Another Tom Cruise sci-fi slam dunk!  While the premise can be boiled down into 'sci-fi Groundhog Day', the movie finds some fun things to do with the time loop and Tom Cruise is totally on-point, playing a relative coward for once instead of a strapping action hero.  Plus it helps that the alien design in this movie is freaking awesome.

71.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) **1/2
Boring in a half shell: Turtle Eh...  I've never been a huge TMNT fan, and I still am not.  Though this would have easily gained another star by having Will Arnett in every scene.  EVERY SCENE.

72.  The Last Samurai (2003) ****
In this installment of Tom Cruise-uh Palooza, we get an interesting take on the 'kidnapped by enemies, learn to love their ways' storyline.  Really
everything is top-notch, not too much to say other than great movie-making.

73.  Oblivion (2013) ***1/2
To close out the Cruise cruise, our last stop is Oblivion, another sci-fi action-fest.  I fully enjoyed this one too, but I think it could have standed to be
a bit longer.  There are some really interesting concepts here that are just sort of glazed over in favor of moving the story along.  Other than that, it's a
solid way to close out Cruise cruise.

74.  The Interview (2014) ***1/2
The movie that THEY didn't want you to see!  It's pretty much what you expect.  Rogan and Franco hilarity.  I guess I didn't expect it to get so brutally
violent towards the end, but that helps with the juxtaposition of all the comedy.  I'll have to see this again, but I might prefer it even to This Is the
End, as there's a lot more Franco being Franco in this.  What can I say?  He honey-potted me.

75.  Stargate (1994) **1/2
This movie spawned like three or four TV show spin-offs.  Just think about that for a minute.  It's an okay movie, I guess.  Just average 90s sci-fi.  But I
don't think it's really deserving of several spin-offs.  It would be like turning Dickie Roberts into a Saturday morning cartoon.  And then a sitcom.  And
then another sitcom that takes place in space.

76.  Bewitched (2005) **1/2
Nicole Kidman is pretty adorable, and Will Ferrell is as likable as always, but this is a weird weird movie.  It's an unexpectedly cute rom-com wrapped up in a remake of a 60s sitcom that no one has ever cared about.  Odd choice.