The Lone Ranger (2013) - Review

Ugh, this is the worst kind of movie.

Disney’s take on the old show (that I have never seen and have no desire to ever see – I have no fondness for TV Land, most old shows actively get on my nerves) isn’t a terrible movie, technically.  Depp and Hammer are fine, the villain is very dark and kind of daring for a kids’ movie, and there’s nothing outright horrible about this film.

But oh my sweet hot damns is it boring.  You know what, I take it back.  There is something technically very awful about this movie, and that’s the pacing.  Three people worked on the script, which is not a good sign, and two of them worked on the Pirates of the Caribbean films.  Ah, so that explains the incredibly bloated and meandering run-time.

Most of this film is spent with Tonto, because make no mistake, Johnny Depp is the star of this film.  The bookends involve him and most of the gags center around how wacky he can be; The Lone Ranger himself is just a reluctant “hero” along for the ride.  But come on, Johnny, you’ve got too many wacky characters.  Some of them work, like Cap’n Jack.  Most of them don’t.  This one doesn’t.  The film simply isn’t funny or charming or in any way interesting.

This is funny because he's staring down a horse.

By the time things actually DO start to happen, around two hours in, it’s already too late.  Yes, the last action sequence on the train is pretty fun and rousing, but you could cut literally half of this movie and not even realize it was missing.  That is not a mark of good filmmaking.  I’m all for world-building, just make it interesting.  And, you know, actually build your world, instead of just showing Depp doing a corny accent.

I blame the aforementioned Pirate sequels for trending the ‘overly long kids’ blockbuster that aren’t actually any fun’ thing and running it straight into the ground.  And The Lone Ranger is just another nail in the coffin.  At least it bombed, so there won’t be a sequel – kind of sad when that’s the silver lining in the situation.