Monday, March 23, 2015

Ender's Game (2013) - Review

Not much to say about this one.  I suppose I could go into a rant about how Orson Scott Card is a complete piece of homophobic human garbage that deserves to be throttled with spiked dongs for the rest of eternity.  Or I could do my usual “this is an average movie” thing.  Or I could compare this to Starship Troopers.  I wish this movie had made me mad or something.  I hate giving average reviews to completely middle-of-the-road movies.  The ones that really shine are the glowing reviews and the lowest of the low.

Alright.  Ender’s Game.  Little kid named Ender is chosen by – oh my God, Orson Scott Card is trash.  Just total trash.  Hold on, let me find some quotes from this asshole.

·         “The dark secret of homosexual society — the one that dares not speak its name — is how many homosexuals first entered into that world through a disturbing seduction or rape or molestation or abuse, and how many of them yearn to get out of the homosexual community and live normally.”

·         “There is a myth that homosexuals are ‘born that way,’ and we are pounded with this idea so thoroughly that many people think that somebody, somewhere, must have proved it.”

·         “No matter how sexually attracted a man might be toward other men, or a woman toward other women, and no matter how close the bonds of affection and friendship might be within same-sex couples, there is no act of court or Congress that can make these relationships the same as the coupling between a man and a woman.”

Oh and there are more.  Waaaaay more.  That’s a special kind of douchebag there.  If you seriously hold those beliefs, then just go kill yourself and do the rest of the progressive world a favor.

One day, YOU will be Indiana Jones, son, not Shia
Oh yeah, this is a movie review.  It’s whatever.  Nobody cares.  Just go watch Starship Troopers instead.  It’s got a similar human VS. bug concept, but injects everything with incredible levels of satire and over-the-top jingoism.  Everyone is having a great time and it’s actually nothing like this, I guess.  Starship Troopers is fun.

No one here is enjoying themselves.  Harrison Ford still gives a good performance, but this role doesn’t exactly give him that much to do.  Literally everyone else is unmemorable and I didn’t care about any of them.  I guess the main kid looks like a young Rivers Cuomo, so that’s kind of cool.  Let me know when he busts out a verse from Say It Ain’t – I’m sorry, I can’t get over how awful Orson Scott Card is.

Don’t support Orson Scott Card in any way.  This movie is alright, but don’t watch it.

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