Friday, January 31, 2014

Dark Shadows (2012) - Review

When I finished this movie, I walked away with three major thoughts:  Maybe Tim Burton will soon realize that you can't just throw Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter together and expect it to work, man, every movie with the word "Dark" in the title is complete gargbage, AND what was I thinking?  Oh God, what was I thinking?

I'm not really sure, but whatever I was expecting, it sure wasn't... this.  This movie is beyond irritating; it's sort of like if you took the Addams Family movies and sucked any and all entertainment value out of them.  I'll be the first to admit that I've never watched, nor do I care anything about the source material.  But this Johnny Depp-plays-a-wacky-off-color-character schtick is getting old.  Hey, at least he's not an offensive racial stereotype in this one.

Whoever wrote this script deserves neither the five seconds it would take to look it up on IMDb nor this twenty-six word sentence devoted to them.  It's strangely bad; almost feeling like a "Movie" Movie at times, except instead of bad Johnny Depp impressions ala Epic Movie, they actually got the real Johnny Depp.  Or some extremely convincing replica.

This confused mishmash of a movie plods along with no real direction until the "climactic" battle scene at the end.  Yep, I'm sure Supernatural is reeeeally jealous of your CGI, guys, nice work.  The sad thing is that there is some actual talent here.  Depp is fine when he's on-point, Chloe Grace Moretz is completely wasted as basically a punchline at the end (which isn't funny, for a nice little bonus), and...  Eh, I kind of hate all of the other actors now for their work in this movie.  Except Alice Cooper.  You keep on rockin', buddy.

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