Hack! (2007) - Review

If something knows it's awful, does that make it good? No, not really. Sure, I do appreciate a campy self-awareness (one of the reasons why Spider-Man 3 is actually a fantastic movie and I'll stand by that until the day I die) but there is such a thing as too much. I'm sure the writers of Hack! thought they were being pretty funny with their homages and "clever" name-dropping of other franchises every three seconds. But just because your characters are familiar with horror movies and the cliches within them doesn't make your movie less cliched. The characters are all completely stock; you've got the nerdy movie geek (sadly played by Danica McKellar aka Winnie Cooper), the incredibly flamboyantly gay kid, the stupid girl(s), the black guy, the jock, the handsome rebel guy, etc. Sure the film is aware that the characters are awful, but that doesn't make the fact that they laugh at a "your mama" joke for 20 seconds any more tolerable. Pretty sure it actually makes it worse.

Of course the movie indulges in every "kids are stuck in a remote location with a killer on the loose" staple in the book, complete with corny dialogue and an utter lack of tension. Every single conversation plays out like none of the actors have actually carried a conversation before in their lives. I don't know if it's largely improvised or the script was run through Google Translate until it didn't make sense anymore, but it's pretty awful. But, to be completely fair, the actors are mostly pretty awful too. The sad thing is that it's obviously deliberately bad; the supposed blandness of the plot actually does factor in later on, but it doesn't excuse the first two-thirds of the movie.

I suppose it's trying to make some kind of statement about how horror isn't original anymore, which is mostly true. Too bad it couldn't also be entertaining. Juliet Landau is even in it (most famously Drusilla from Buffy) and anytime I see someone from Buffy in something awful it just makes me sad. That's also why I'll never watch Fire Serpent again (I love you Nicky Brendon). This horror comedy is neither funny nor scary, so stay away from it if you see it on Sci-Fi or Chiller.