Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I (2011) - Review

This movie is garbage. And (mostly) not in that "Haha we're going to watch this and make fun of it because it sucks" kind of way. It's that special kind of garbage that somehow manages to fill up it's two hour running time with absolutely nothing. Seriously, the plot of this movie doesn't start until well over halfway through, as the first half just weakly plods through Edward and Bella's wedding. And then their reception. And then their trip to Rio. And then their trip to their island. Oh that's right, the Cullens have an island. I know doctors make good money but jeez.

But that's not all. Then we get a sex montage, interspersed with the newlyweds playing chess, because there's nothing hotter than chess. And then halfway through the movie, Bella finally gets pregnant and the story starts. The story is awful and paper-thin. It basically goes: Bella pregnant, werewolves don't like abomination child, Bella gets sick whilst preggers. That's it. You might think there's more as the movie still has around an hour left. But no, that's all there is.

The acting is almost uniformly awful, with Taylor Lautner being astoundingly bad. It's actually almost impressive how bad he is, not that anybody could make this flimsy script appealing. Though I'll give them this: there's one HILARIOUS scene in which the werewolves are all in their bad CGI forms and they start arguing telepathically like some awful Disney movie. Imagine Homeward Bound minus the charm of Michael J. Fox and know...real animals. Though if you're a fan of CGI so terrible that even Underworld wouldn't use it, then you'll feel right at home with this butchering of film.

The first two Twilight movies are funny; they're incredibly entertaining, and even if it's for the wrong reasons, they still succeed on some level. This is nothing. This movie is an hour of unconvincing actors not even trying to emote (although I still like Peter Facinelli as Carlisle, mostly due to my irrational love of Can't Hardly Wait) and then an hour of unconvincing actors trying to progress some sort of semblance of story. Neither half works, neither half is particularly entertaining save for a couple brief but funny moments...oh, and the music sucks too.

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